Sleepless Nights

Throughout my life I can count on one hand times when I have been unable to sleep soundly through the night. I almost immediately start to snore as soon as my head hits the pillow. Those close to me often marvel at my ability to sleep anywhere, on a plane, bus, train, noisy street, literally anywhere and at almost any time. My two adult children wait in horror at movies, elbows at the ready to strike simply because I miss the first ten minutes of any movie simply because I fall asleep and begin to snore.

Those nights where I lay sleepless are vivid in my memory. Barring my nights when infant children needed to be tended to, they include the death of our first son, born stillborn. A small hole in his amniotic sack allowed fluid to drain preventing his lungs from fully developing. The first week when my wife and I decided to separate and I moved into a new house away from what I knew as ‘my family’ home. The guilt and doubt haunted me preventing me from my normal escape into peaceful slumber. When I was 21 and my father was in the hospital for the 29th day and I feared that he would die and I would not be at his side. My fears proved true as I received a call early in the morning to tell me he had passed away in the night. And finally a period of time when my female boss was harassing me so vigorously that I had to file a harassment claim against her which the company eventually found to be valid.

Yet tonight is completely different. I lay awake not due to any series of or single event which causes me anxiety or pain. Instead I lay awake simply because I am excited, but not for any other reason than being excited about my life. Like most adults I have for many years pursued careers which provided fiscal security for myself and my family. We all encourage our children to build their lives around what they truly want to do, yet we give them mixed signals about our parental ‘approval’ about appropriate career choices. I laughed one day when I heard an Asian comedian say “All Asian parents encourage their children to pursue the arts UNTIL they actually want to pursue the arts for a living!” My parents pushed me toward more ‘prestigious and practical’ pursuits; engineering, math, science and business. Some career where I could make a ‘good living’ for myself and my eventual family. I now understand their motivation for me toward those goals, yet I never found true personal satisfaction in those choices no matter how large my direct deposits.

Today as a commercial photographer life is completely different. I am not confined to a Monday through Friday 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM job, weekly management meetings, PowerPoint presentations and annual reviews. So many times I recall longing for the weekend to arrive and reveled in three day weekends. My boss often denied vacation time and her performance reviews were based upon her last and most recent negative memory. In stark contrast my life now consists of working whenever a client needs the type of imagery I can produce along with a work ethic that doesn’t fit the normal ‘artist’ stereotype. I work with people who are truly collaborative, who enjoy the arts even when that means their bank accounts don’t maintain four figures on a monthly basis not including the decimal points. My ‘annual review’ has turned into a daily review since a photographer is only as good as his or her last shoot. There are certainly downsides to this life, but those pitfalls are far less than what I’ve experienced in the corporate world. Creativity is TRULY encouraged and rewarded, what more can anyone ask?

So tonight as I lay sleepless it is because I have two remarkable adult children, I’m healthy, I have a comfortable roof over my head, a woman who loves and supports me, a community of likeminded individuals  and a career I simply adore. Over the past ten years there have been countless people who have both supported and helped me in this endeavor, something I can only repay by returning those favors in kind to others.

For those few who have wondered why I have neglected these Musing pages for so long, it’s simply because I didn’t feel I had anything important to say. Tonight is different and now I’m sure I’ll be able to sleep soundly while keeping my partner awake with my snoring. May each of us be so blessed as to have a life which we enjoy. Good night.

Talent and Pride

In September of 2005 my son and I went out one night when I first reentered photography. He wanted to go out on his own and I wrote about this event in one of my first Musings on this blog. You can read that short story here. Since that time he has not shown much interest in photography despite my encouragement and marvel at his natural eye for composition and timing. As he grew into a teen other activities were more important to him, friends, cars and of course girls.

New Discoveries

I have recently written here about my project with the kids at Telegraph Hill Neighborhood Center. Last week was my third week there and was by far the most active. I delivered the kid’s photos along with their presentation boards and we spent the day assembling their photographs on the boards. This week I return to have them present their family’s stories to the rest of the class and then in March the center will hold an art exhibit of their work. Exciting times. But more than the event for me this period in my life is about new discoveries for myself.

Connecting

As many of you know, the vast majority of my imagery consists of complete strangers going about their daily lives. Although I find gratification in my work and I can occasionally offer strangers who I see again on the street the images I have made of them, there is a certain disappointment. Today I met with a man who I’ve only known online and with him was a young family who joined us for dinner in San Francisco. Since I was in the City to shoot all day, I naturally had my camera with me, as did Martin my new friend.

So I began to shoot Ed and his young family during dinner. And when I arrived home I was most excited to process those images rather than the ones I had taken for my work. The reason is simple. Being able to give someone images of those they love means much more to me than the pursuit of art. It was a  reminder that the substance of one’s art means much more than any amount of accolades or material reward. Being able to offer someone something of personal value is its own reward.

Senior Prom

This has been a tough year in many ways as well as one that has brought me much joy.  Yesterday my son went to his Senior Prom marking his exit from high school.  With my daughter in her second year of college and my son on his way, this chapter in my life is about to close.  At an age when my aunts and uncles are passing away, the hands of time are constantly reminding me that time waits for no one.

So much of my life is self governed by what I keep in the forefront of my mind – family and loved ones. No matter how important something may seem at work, it all pales in comparison to those who are close to me, those whose bonds are not dependent on making a living, but simply because I love them.  So I have been a bit melancholy lately with so many reminders that much of life’s toil has nothing to do with what is truly important.

I will take a break from photography, as I have not been happy or motivated with my work. I will continue to look at the expressions of people, but I doubt I will attempt to capture their moments.  It just all seems, well fruitless.  It may be a transition period, but then again, it may not.  Today I will shoot the last event for the high school both of my children attended.  Yet another reminder that an era I cherished has passed.  Perhaps it is because photographs remind me of what once was, has now passed that I now find little interest in photography. Tracy thinks I need a good night’s rest.  I hope she’s right.

Series

For quite some time I have given thought to taking my work toward a series rather than single images. A series that would convey a story rather than a single focused feeling. As I said in yesterday’s Musing, this past weekend I had the chance to spend time with my daughter who is living in her first apartment off campus. Of course photography is my passion, but it pales in comparison to how I feel about my children. So I thought, why not combine two elements I love, my children and my hobby.

Presented this week is a small series titled ‘A Day with My Daughter.’ Sure it’s cliché and personal, but this is after all this is my blog. It will allow me to practice within the safety of my own family my desire to expand beyond my comfort zone of single imagery to one that includes a story, a sequential message. What I have strive to achieve in this series is to maintain my always present goal of genuine feeling and mood while expanding toward the story and glimpse into one person’s life, albeit a very important person to me.

Nori bears the name of my late Father, as her mother and I decided early on that our first born would bear his name irregardless of gender. She certainly has many of his characteristics, tenacity, honor and courage. And just like any first born, she is the one who must bear the burden of a parent’s naivety for parenting and now his pursuit of a different form of storytelling. And although I will not title each piece, I will venture into the world of short stories to go with each image, a bit of background to round out the series. Thanks for indulging me and the thanks goes mainly to Nori. Thanks Pumpkin, I love you.

A Day with my Daughter

I just returned from a weekend visit with my daughter who is attending college. We had a great time and it helped me to realize that no matter how old children become, their need for their parents remains the same.  Sure, their needs become more mature in nature, but all of us need a sense of belonging, of family.  I had mistakenly thought and felt that the time had ended when my children needed me.  How happily mistaken I was.  So this week, I will run a small series titled, ‘A Day with my Daughter No, the images are not what you may have come to ‘expect’ from my work, but in reality, the images I will present here are infinitely more important to me than most that I post to these pages, for obvious reasons. In the near future I will post another series, ‘A Day with my Son.’

I have been participating too frequently in online theme blogs and it is time for me to take a break.   I have a theatre performance to cover this week, The Philadelphia Story, which will take a bit of time to cover and process. It’s time for me to recreate what I want to do and where I want to progress.  I can think of no better way to do that than to focus on the people and events I love.

L Glass Heirlooms

Yesterday Tracy and I stopped by my aunt’s home to return the photo album I used to prepare the slide show for Harvey’s funeral service.  It was a glorious day and we stood outside on their front lawn to take in the view of San Pedro Harbor and Catalina Island.  Afterward I told my aunt that I wanted to photograph her in the dining room area where we had shared countless Thanksgiving dinners.  I asked her to hold the flag she received on Saturday at my Uncle’s service.  If you recognize her hands and signature Timex watch, you may remember the image I took of her hands during my aunt Chiz’s funeral service.  It was even more poignant, as I was shooting my aunt’s image with one of the three lenses owned by my uncle, a Canon EF 28-70mm f2.8 L lens.  I had one like it, but gave it to Tracy a few months back.  That lens held a special significance to me, as I took one of my favorite images of Eugene’s hands with that lens.

Throughout my photographic life, I have been a bit of a snob of sorts, only considering Canon’s L lenses.  I saved money by purchasing all of them second hand either through craigslist or Ebay.  I was shocked when I saw that my uncle had three Canon L series lenses in his study, the aforementioned lens I used to shoot Kazy’s image, an EF 17-35 f2.8 L wide angle and an EF 70-200 f2.8 L lens.  Whenever I saw Harvey with his Rebel DSLR, he always had his kit lens attached, a simple EF 18-55 model.  When Kazy offered his lenses to me, I was both excited and touched. More so than the vigorous use all of the lenses will receive, the sentimental value of the glass is what holds their real value.

So I will take all of them on an upcoming trip to Europe and in a symbolic way, will have the chance to look upon the people of that continent through the eyes of my uncle.

Uncle Harvey's Eulogy

Today was my uncle Harvey’s memorial service and I wanted to reprint part of my cousin’s verbal chronology of Harvey’s life here:

“MILITARY SERVICE Now of draft age, Harvey gets drafted into the army in 1944, but while en route to Europe on the Queen Mary in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, the war ends. So, instead of reinforcing the 442nd in Italy, Harvey ends up with the Allied occupation forces in Berlin, Germany – escorting the remains of recovered American soldiers to Frankfurt for return to their families in the United States. He is discharged from the army, and returns to the family, still situated in Chicago, and takes advantage of his GI Bill benefits to attend college – earning a degree in engineering from the University of Illinois in Urbana-Champaign.

He tries but can’t find work in Chicago, and when the family moves to L.A., it’s the same story – no work available that would take advantage of his college education. While in L.A., he sees a poster at a Navy recruiting office – looking for pilots. He meets the requirements (a college degree and passing a physical), and starts training for his pilots’ wings in June, 1950 – the start of the Korean war. He earns his Naval Aviator wings in December, 1951. Harvey said that “…by tradition, most cadets had either their parents or their girlfriend pin their wings on them – but my folks were too far away, and there were no girl friends around either.” (…hear that, Kazy?)

So, Harvey had the honor of having Rear Admiral Hughes himself pin his aviator wings on his uniform. Harvey winds up flying over 72 combat missions in Korea, while based on the USS Princeton. He tells a harrowing story of how, after a bombing run, on his way back to the carrier, an electrical malfunction causes a small fire inside the pressurized cockpit of his jet – and fills it with smoke so thick he couldn’t   even see his instruments. He was flying at 25,000 feet at the time.

Thinking fast, he opens the cockpit just a crack to try and clear the smoke – which it does, but it’s then that he sees nothing but blue water in front of him: He was heading straight down, now at only 8,000 feet! Not wanting to eject while heading straight down, he pulled back on the control stick to bring the jet horizontal before ejecting. Once he did that, he decided he’d try and make it back to the carrier…that’s when he discovered that the cockpit fire had knocked out his communication system.

He caught up with his squadron leader, and used hand signals to communicate the problem. His leader radioed ahead to the carrier and they prepared the deck for an emergency landing. Harvey was able to bring the craft in safely – and when he told his officers what happened…they told him he was crazy…! They said if the same thing had happened to them – they would have ditched the plane the minute they noticed smoke in the cockpit!

There’s another tale of Harvey “dropping a bomb on himself” during a miscommunication during a mission. He laughs, “…The Navy doesn’t have a medal for that.” Harvey winds up making a total of 118 carrier landings – becoming the only Nisei to wear the Navy’s Tailhook Centurion patch – reserved only for those pilots making 100 or more aircraft carrier landings.”

My uncle was a very quiet man, but held an immense amount of strength and fortitude.  I will miss you dearly Uncle.

In honor of

In honor of my aunt, uncle and father, I will display their childhood family portrait on my main page until after my uncle Harvey’s funeral on March 8 2008.   I miss each of them.